Updated: May 20, 2020
"She is so beautiful! Wearing that turquoise dress, her deep brown eyes are looking in the distance as she waits for the bus. The subtle smile on her face makes her mysterious and it makes me curious.
I liked her from the moment I saw her.
The elegance and beauty she radiates allow me to escape the reality of my day.
The truth is I am tired and frustrated. Meeting everyone's expectations at work all the time. Presentation for Bill, financial statements for Tom, etc. I don’t even know why I continue to work for them.
But I have forgotten all of it all thanks to the beauty I witnessed at the bus stop.
What would it be like to have a glass of wine together?
Talking about the world, about what we share. About music, travelling, adventures and experiences.
God only knows what this date would end up like.
I am imagining approaching her.
I am starting to feel anxiety.
What will I tell her?
My heart starts racing.
I am nervous and insecure.
The image of a romantic date is still alive though.
Time is running out as my internal tension grows.
Her bus just came..."
Born confidence is a coincidence
“Just because you took longer than others, doesn’t mean you failed.”
-Daniel Friday Danzor
Masculine confidence is very often presented as something mysterious and complicated.
It seems as if some people are simply born with it while others are not.
Is this true?
Social Learning Theory, theorized by Albert Bandura, posits that people learn from one another, via observation, imitation, and modeling. The theory has often been called a bridge between behaviorist and cognitive learning theories because it encompasses attention, memory, and motivation. According to Bandura, born confidence is present in children who had powerful role models that were present in their lives during their upbringing be it in their family, schooling, or general environment. Children model the behaviors, patterns, and beliefs of their role models, which allows them to enter early adulthood with great confidence.
On the other hand, children with low self-confidence modeled unhealthy behaviors and toxic patterns of the people who were influential in their upbringing. Fortunately, any adult with low confidence can overcome their current behaviors through self-development and undoing the patterns that they learned earlier in their lives.
What is the essence of masculine confidence then?
Confidence is the ability to handle tension
It is really that simple.
Confidence is the ability to handle tension.
Numerous other authors share the same understanding of masculine confidence in their work. David Deida, the well-known author of the book The Way of the Superior Man, calls it living on the edge and Dr. Robert Glover, best-selling author of the book No More Mr. Nice Guy, calls it thriving under P.E.T. - Positive Emotional Tension. Brian Begin, CEO of The Fearless Man, said:
"Man's ability to handle tension determines the level of success he will achieve in life."
Let´s break down masculine confidence into its component parts:
1. Understanding Tension
2. Handling Tension
3. Improving Your Ability to Handle Tension
1. Understanding Tension
"Maturity is achieved when man accepts life full of tension." -Joshua Liebman
Tension is the most natural thing in the human psyche and the Universe.
Tension is stress.
It emerges outside one’s comfort zone and is present literally everywhere in the world.
Tension is present in nature.
A planted seed is under the weight and tension of the soil. If you water the seed, it will start to sprout and create tension back on the soil as it pushes its roots further down into the ground. Later, the wind blows and creates further tension in the flexion of the trunk and branches. The tree does not collapse thanks to the roots creating tension on the surrounding soil. The higher the tree, the more grounded it needs to be and the more tension it can handle.
Tension is in the human body.
The body is comprised of muscles and bones, which create mutual tension in order to stay in balance. The pull (tension) of the muscle on the bones allows your body to move. In order to move faster or grow stronger, muscles require exercise, which is a form of tension. The more powerful the muscles are, the more powerful the bones need to become, which then allows the body to handle more tension as a unit.
The same tension exists in subtle moments of everyday life.