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Separate your Judgments from Shame, then Judge yourself accurately and pursue Improvement through Constant Transformation.
"I'm good enough."
"I'm not good enough."
It's obvious, right?
Self-Love = "I'm good enough."
You fully accept yourself, just the way you are.
You accept yourself with all your quirks, imperfections, and flaws.
You don't have to change anything.
The relief & ultimate happiness.
And if you still DON'T feel you're "Good enough," you have some therapy to do or something's wrong with you.
But what if you already worked on this for long enough?
What if you already did therapy, men's groups, coaching, shadow work, tantra, encounter groups, NLP, EFT, CK IFS, NPA, psychedelics... and the feeling of "not good enough" is still there?
What if, you're actually feeling like a failure because no amount of effort seems to fix the feeling of "not good enough" and the harder you try, the more evidence of failure you're getting?
"WHERE IS THE FU*KING PEACE?!"
,you might even ask.
Well, if that's you, then I have some good news:
Getting rid of the "I'm not good enough" is not the point.
Why?
"I'm good enough." is the feminine side of Self-Love.
It feels nice.
Pure Inner Beauty & Perfect Love.
Completely free of any Judgment.
Not having to change anything at all.
Now, "I'm not good enough." is a Judgment.
And WHEN IT'S NOT MERGED WITH SHAME, it's the masculine side of Self-Love, because it stimulates Leadership.
Don't trust me, check it for yourself:
Say the words: "I'm not good enough." out loud.
What does it feel like?
Now, say the words "I'm not good enough" again BUT leave out all shame and inferiority whatsoever - and make it a factual statement.
"I'm not good enough."
THE WAY I AM RIGHT NOW IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
In other words:
THE WAY I AM RIGHT NOW IS NOT SATISFACTORY FOR ME AND I NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT TO MAKE IT BETTER.
That's a shame-free Judgment. IMMEDIATELY, it seeks Solutions. That’s Masculine Instinct.
It generates Desire for Self-Improvement.
That leads to Leadership and, eventually, the Joy of Improvement.
I'm working out every day because WHEN I WASN'T the way I was was NOT GOOD ENOUGH. My body did not function properly.
I'm doing breathwork every day WHEN I WASN'T the way I was was NOT GOOD ENOUGH. My mind struggled to stay focused by my standards.
I'm taking a cold shower every day because WHEN I WASN'T the way I was was NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I was sick too often.
I wasn't always doing these.
But I love myself.
So I Judged my state of being at the point.
And I fixed it.
Now, years later, all those are effortless habits.
The pursuit of "I'm good enough." as the highest achievement of psychology, self-development, or spirituality is a trap into which many healers and coaches fall themselves. I certainly did, too.
They say: "Judgment is wrong because it's devoid of love."
But guess what: THAT'S A JUDGMENT!
I've seen people being unaware of themselves Judging their Judgments so much, they fell into the Enlightenment trap:
An illusion, that it is possible to get rid of all Trauma, and achieve some ultimate & permanent state of Perfection, where all Wounds are healed and you're done on Earth.
That's not a spiritual enlightenment, but an escape from Reality.
That's Madness.
That's the Inner Feminine going crazy after the Inner Masculine annihilated itself - using its own tool: Judgment.
"I judge myself for my judgments."
Therefore, Men, stop pursuing "good enough".
Instead, separate your Judgments from Shame, then Judge yourself accurately and pursue Improvement through Transformation.
Your Judgments will fuel your goals and infuse it with Passion and Burning Desire.
Judge yourself and master Self-Leadership.
Then Judge the World and Lead to make it better.
This transforms you and the entire world in the process.
Your Judgments will make things better for everyone.
That's why you're here.
The author is Maros Cincura, a Men's Relationship Coach.