Updated: May 20, 2020
Understanding your emotions and psychological distress is the first step to building the unshakeable self-esteem.
Every socially confident person - whether they were born with it they developed it throughout their life - gained mastery in one specific thing: emotional tension.
Emotional tension is not only the core element of confidence but also the #1 activator of creating a change in the physical world.
It helps you to build a business, have a woman and family of your dreams, and live a life of adventure, fulfillment, and love.
Emotional tension appears in your body at the moment you leave your comfort zone. Put simply - the moment you get out of the comfort zone - you feel a lot!
Most people run away from emotional tension because they don’t understand it: "It’s stressful, get it away from me."
The truth is, though, that avoiding emotional tension just causes more of it and creates a cycle of never-ending pain.
Today, I want to give you a bulletproof and undisprovable argument, how seeking emotional tension is the fastest way to freedom and the life of your dreams - no matter how confident you are at right now.
First, I want to draw a bigger picture and relate emotional tension to everything else that exists in the Universe.
Tension is the only thing that exists
99,999% of an atom volume is an empty space.
Its smallest particles — protons, electrons, and neutrons — have large distances between them.
They stick together thanks to the balance between how they: 1. attract each other and 2. repel each other.
Two powerful forces working against each other create tension.
Tension is 99,9999% of every single atom, molecule, and the matter in the Universe.
If you look around yourself, EVERYTHING you see is a sum of atoms, molecules, and structures organized into form and shape — an apple, a table, a wall, etc.
The human body only sticks together thanks to those 2 forces.
Muscle creates tension on the bone and bone keeps the muscle in tension. The same principle works between skin and flesh, veins and blood, air and lungs, teeth and gums, etc.
The result is a beautiful, harmonious balance of tension in the human body.
Tension is EVERYWHERE in nature: Roots and soil create tension on each other to keep the tree grounded. Water and channel create tension on each other to direct the flow of the water. Gravity pulls you to the center of the Earth, the vacuum in the Universe’s empty space pulls you away from Earth.
A beautiful and perfect harmony.
Since the beginning of time, the Universe had always been in this perfect harmony.
Tension in the human psyche
The basic nature of human psyche is the same: the tension between the 2 opposing forces.
As a child, you had to develop your beliefs, values, and patterns of behavior so you could survive. That is how you learned to function in this world.
Every thought, that some action should be avoided today is linked to a specific experience from your past.
For instance, you were 5, you shared a secret with one of your classmates and it leaked. As a result, the whole class was laughing at you and you felt ashamed. Your subconscious mind, therefore, decided you will never go through the same kind of experience again. As a result, it created a massive aversion to opening up in front of others and you might struggle with intimacy to this day — 30 years later.
Today, the fear of intimacy can feel as real as it felt when you were 5.
The variability of our past experiences is endless. As a result, we all have a variety of different stories.
Therefore, YOU, like anything else in the Universe, are subject to two opposing forces: 1. Fear of going through the pain of your past again — mostly guilt, humiliation, lack of control and loss of validation of your environment. 2. A desire for self-actualization — courage, and desire to achieve your dreams and contribute to the world.
These two opposing forces create a beautiful and perfect harmony.
A polarity. Good and evil. Masculine and feminine. The desire for self-actualization and fear of failure.
One can exist ONLY thanks to the other, therefore you cannot have one without the other.
The moment you decide to go in the direction of your true desire, you are also taking steps to face your fears from the past.
You know it from your own experience — standing up for your truth, doing the right thing, approaching a beautiful woman, starting a new project — all these can feel like the most right thing to do and the scariest thing to do at the same time.
The question is, why is it so scary?
Fear of failure = fear of death
The moment you step into tension, you start to feel emotions. Whatever the emotion, you can always track its origins to the fear of death.
Want to start a business? Fear of doing the wrong thing, people laughing, feeling awkward, having no control, losing money, losing validation of the world, death.
Want to approach that beautiful woman? Fear of saying something stupid, “she thinks I’m weird”, everyone else sees it, guilt for appearing stupid, loss of self-worth, alone-for-the-rest-of-my-life feeling, invalidated, death.
Want to give a great speech? Fear of stuttering…I don’t have to continue, I guess.
The truth is that ALL THESE ARE JUST EMOTIONS. Even the fear of death when approaching a beautiful woman is FEAR, not DEATH.
They are not lethal, they just feel uncomfortable, because they feel very real and they change the way we perceive reality.
Tension is the activator of manifestation
If you want to create anything in the physical world, tension is what will make it come to existence.
For a bigger muscle, put it under the right amount of tension in the gym. For greater public speaking skills, put yourself under the tension of speaking performances. For a business to grow, create tension in the market through your business development.
It is impossible to create a change in the physical world without stepping into tension.
The origins of self-sabotage
If you are good at getting what you want but struggle with MAINTAINING IT, chances are that you self-sabotage yourself.
The problem is not your lack of stepping into tension, but your RELATIONSHIP with tension.
If you do not have a positive relationship with tension, you will always end up at the beginning again.
Most people around the world have this idea that certain results will become a magic pill for them to be fixed, safe and happy.
That is some of the worst mental traps you can fall into.
The very essence of wanting the magic pill is avoiding tension. You want a magic pill so you do not have to face tension.
Winning a million dollars is a lot of tension, that is why people go broke quickly and often become depressed shortly after that.
They self-sabotage themselves.
If you want to earn more money, get your dream job, build a dream relationship — you need to go through a certain amount of tension so that the physical world around you can adapt — and then you have to MAINTAIN it.
If the new level of tension is unbearable, you decide subconsciously that is unsustainable. You will sabotage yourself to get to the original and safe level of tension.
Even though self-sabotage looks like a bad thing, its purpose is positive — a defense mechanism of the body and the mind before tension overload.
What can you do to stop self-sabotage?
How to change your relationship with tension and stop self-sabotage
The difference between people who are good at building their dream life and those who aren’t is their relationship with tension.
The level of your personal freedom depends on the amount of tension you can comfortably handle.
Your confidence depends on how much tension you can handle. Your salary depends on it.
Your performance at work, at school, in the gym, in relationships, in marriage, in bed — everywhere in life — depends on the amount of tension you can comfortably handle.
If you want to live a life of adventure, a life that never stops exploring, a life that is based on unconditional giving and having your own world so lit up, that it lights up the worlds of others, tension must become your ally.
Tension must become your best friend.
Your lover. Your angry girlfriend who you love anyway. Your business you feel passionate about, even if it’s struggling. The child you love no matter what.
Tension is the only thing in the Universe, it is your body and it is all the world around you.
There is a simple thing you can do to radically change your relationship with tension. You do not have to do it overnight, because it is even easier than that.
It takes a few minutes every day for 3 months.
Here it is:
Do 3 things that scare you EVERY DAY. Feel the fear, feel the shame, feel the joy. Feel it all. Learn to enjoy it.
Hold eye contact, stand up for yourself, dance more, talk more, even if it means dancing in the bathroom for 10 seconds naked every day or asking a stranger about their favorite color.
(If you want to understand confidence and tension even more in-depth, check out this article.)
Do things that scare you. Allow yourself to feel the tension. Do it for 3 months EVERY DAY and your life will keep changing with every moment you will be learning to enjoy emotional tension.
At first, it will be a lot of effort. But if you stay in the tension, your body will adapt and your relationship to tension and fear will change.
At one moment you will learn that any emotion can feel good if not judged. And after a few months, you will start to do things just because they seem scary.
You will become fearless. Not because you have no fear. But because you will not let it affect you.
Your current relationship with fear and tension will change and your growth will become effortless.
Can you imagine such freedom?
Download free e-books on How To Heal Your Inner Nice Guy and The Integrated Man: Authentic Masculinity checklist.
If you want to join a challenge to grow your Authentic Masculinity, join my Integrated Men’s Group on Facebook. To get more exclusive content, join my e-mail list! For more articles, videos, and a podcast, check out my website or a youtube channel.