.png){kind=small}
Holding space the wrong way enables disrespect, creates resentment and deteriorates the relationship. Doing it the right way draws the couple closer, creates intimacy, and meets all of their needs. Do it the right way.
First, let's start with what NOT to do:
Hold Space for your Woman's Expression no matter how much it hurts. She expresses that she cares. If you can handle that, you're a powerful man.
No.
This is one of the worst, yet common, relationship advice for men.
Doing so is literally Self-Emasculation.
Let me explain.
Holding Space literally means creating a safe space for protecting something Precious, Fragile, and Valuable:
Her Heart.
Her Vulnerable Self-Expression.
Holding Space makes us, Men, meet our need for Leadership by Providing Space & Protection.
For a man, Holding Space for his woman's Needs and Emotions feels incredibly good.
Not just good, it feels fu**ing amazing.
I can't describe how fulfilling that is and how much I love that. It's a Sacred Experience, that makes me do whatever it takes, to cherish and take care of my woman's Heart.
Any time she opens up to me that way, she communicates to me existential Respect and Trust and I want to immediately Lead & do the right thing to live up to that.
It's inspiring, it strengthens my devotion to her and makes me want to evolve into a better man every single time without exception. I want to give her more because this giving feels good.
I believe this is not me being special.
I believe this to be a Universal Masculine Instinct.
We, Men, are instinctually wired to respond to a Woman, Vulnerably communicating her Emotions & Needs.
Now...
Her Judgments, Blame & Criticism are not Vulnerable Self-Expression.
They are energetically penetrating forms of communication.
They are her attempts to Lead him (or "fix" his Leadership), which is Disrespectful to his Leadership.
There's nothing Precious or Fragile about her Judgments, Blame & Criticism.
And deep inside, he knows that, when he's receiving them.
He's experiencing it directly in his body.
For him, "Holding Space" for that Judgment, Blame & Criticism feels like sh*t.
But an Emasculated Man can't admit this to himself.
But he can't Judge his woman's Disrespect, because he believes his Judgment of her behavior would be "toxic".
"I don't want to hurt her feelings." he will say "respectfully" while she's Disrespecful to him and his basic need as a Man: to Lead.
And this will go on and on, all while, she's Emasculating him even deeper.
Instead of Leading her out of Disrespect, into her Heart and Genuine Vulnerability, he goes into this endless maze of Confusion, Fear, Guilt, and Shame - Submitting to HER Judgment, Blame & Criticism energetically, and adjusting his behaviors - just so he has her approval and a proof, he's a good man.
On the surface, it might look like her Needs were met.
But the reality is, that he doesn't even know what those truly are.
And she doesn't feel her needs were met either, because she feels he's changing out of "obligation".
(Just like when he gives her flowers just because she asked for it. It doesn't count.)
Man, who does this for long enough, will eventually reach a point of:
"I'll do whatever she wants, just to keep peace in the relationship".
The Ultimate Emasculation.
(Btw. this is so common it's painful.)
Explicitly speaking:
"Holding Space" for Judgments, Blame & Criticism = Enabling Disrespect.
A Man, who is enabling and sustaining Disrespect from his Woman in his Relationship, is Emasculated, and allows his relationship to deteriorate further,
"So why the hell does he keep doing it then?!" you might ask.
Well, Emasculated Man does this, because:
1. Her Disrespect perfectly mirrors his own Shame/low Self-Respect that he normalized.
2. He lacks the Leadership Competency required to Lead her out of Disrespect, into her Heart, where the true Needs and Feelings are.
(Btw. for Women:
1. Her Judgments, Blame, and Criticism are driven by her Fear of trusting her Man with being vulnerable.
2. She lacks competency to distinguish her Judgments, Blame & Criticism from her Needs & Feelings and communicate them Respectfully.)
A Man with Self-Worth & Self-Respect loves to Lead his woman and cherish her Feelings & Needs.
For that reason, the moment he recognizes his Woman attempting to Lead him, he Judges her behavior as Disrespectful to his Leadership.
He won't allow his woman to Judge, Blame, or Criticize him, because he knows, that doing so would be enabling & sustaining her Disrespect.
Instead, Dominant Man, will lovingly penetrate those Judgments, Blame & Criticism and Lead his woman out of those, into her true Emotions and Needs that are underneath.
That way, he can ACTUALLY meet those Needs and enjoy Holding Space for those Emotions, while taking delight in it, getting inspired by the feminine vulnerability.
As a result, his desire to grow as a Leader awakens, he wants to devote himself to her woman even deeper, while she can let go of control, connect with her Heart and her Intuitive Guidance even deeper, and can experience more Trust and Respect for her Man.
Since this feels good for both of them, he will increasingly take Pride in anticipating those Emotions & Needs and she will increasingly feel and express Gratitude and Respect for what a Man she has - as all her Needs are getting taken care of before she can even ask or recognize them.
Their positive behaviors will be mutually reinforced and only get better over time.
This, to me, is a NORMAL way to experience a Romantic Relationship.
The author is Maros Cincura, a Men's Relationship Coach.