Updated: Feb 15
Is your romantic relationship in a honeymoon period 95% of the time? Or are you feeling like you're losing your freedom because you have to do compromises (=sacrifices) all the time?
Do you feel honored, and inspired to be a better man thanks to your woman? Or are you changing your behaviors out of guilt and fear of being judged?
Making sense out of a romantic relationship can be exhausting, especially when you're trying your absolute best and you still feel stuck in your relationship.
The purpose of this article is to give you explanation of why this situation is happening in your relationship and what you can do to change that.
The Inevitability of Emotional Tension in Your Romantic Relationship
A man and a woman in a romantic relationship influence each other psychologically.
While they both have their dreams and ideals about the relationship and a deep desire to share Love together, they also both also have plenty of unconscious material (trauma) to process throughout life.
Therefore, their interaction will inevitably create emotional tension.
This is unavoidable and it happens in every relationship (no matter how perfect their Instagram #perfectcouple looks).
Now, the emotional tension gets played out in many ways.
Couples express the tension and escalate it to the ultimate psychological survival mode, creating massive conflict, and drama and damaging the relationship fast.
Couples psychologically suppress or escape from the tension, creating damage that happens slowly through passive aggression, disconnection, loneliness, bitterness, emotional repression, and gradual resentment.
Couples resolve the tension easily using Polarized Communication.
What makes the difference between the couples that make it and the couples that don't?
If you have never learned how to deal with tension and conflict, you'll default to what you've learned to consider "normal" by your culture, society, peer group, parents, and behaviors you learned in dealing with past trauma.
In the world today, these "normal" ways of coping resulted in a ~50% divorce rate in the EU and USA.
The reason why this got so bad, is because men and women don't understand the dynamic of Energetic Polarity between them.
If you're a man, then just notice how the patterns of getting triggered by your women are the same in most cases:
You'll get triggered every time you're JUDGED (or BLAMED or CRITICISED) for your actions, your conclusions, your thoughts, your plans, and your decisions by your woman. Even if the judgment looks like an emotion (e.g. "I feel like you take me for granted." or "I feel like you don't care anymore.")
You'll get triggered when she TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO, how to do it, when she will try to teach you a lesson, when she will tell you how to behave, what to wear, what to say, etc., whether DIRECTLY or INDIRECTLY ("Change those pants, they don't look good with your t-shirt.")
You'll get triggered every time she gives you UNSOLICITED IDEAS on how to resolve a situation in a household, in business, in your career, in your personal life, and when she will solve any problem for you.
Because ALL OF THOSE mentioned things have one thing in common:
The Dynamic of Leadership in the Relationship
The person is leading when he or she is energetically trying to GET AN OUTCOME (as opposed to expressing for the sake of expression).
And when she's leading, you're following.
And when that's happening, none of you is happy because it goes directly against both of your biological instincts. I'll explain this later.
For women, too, this works the same way:
She gets triggered every time you share your feelings and indirectly ask her to take of your emotionally; because she has to lead you and hold space for you to express yourself freely and accept yourself fully.
She feels like your mother when she constantly solves your problems, substitutes your responsibility and supports you emotionally.
She feels strange when you're vulnerably asking her for permission to do something that would make you happy.
Women hate these behaviors.
And it makes perfect sense.
To stretch the principle - just imagine what it would feel like if a man asks his woman vulnerably and permissively "Baby, can I have a hug?" and she says "Of course, baby. What happened?" and he starts crying and pouring his heart out as she's comforting him while he has his sh*t all over the place.
It "should" looks like love, because it's unconditional and accepting and everything, but...
something about it feels off.
The Anatomy of Energetic and Biological Polarity
In a relationship between a Man and a Woman, there is a biological polarity:
Man with balls and a Woman with ovaries.
Masculine and Feminine poles are defined by their biological differences creating tremendous hormonal differences: testicles producing testosterone vs. ovaries producing estrogen and progesterone as the main sexual hormone.
This biological difference creates a giant cascade effect on their bodies' hormonal systems.
An Energetic Polarity in a romantic relationship is represented by ONE person LEADING (gives, protects, keeps the structure) and the other one RECEIVing (follows, flourishes, expresses within the structure) in the relationship.
Both men and women are capable of Leading (Giving)
And both men and women are capable of Receiving (Following).
The question is, where do men and women feel the best in their bodies.
Another way to put this is - which mode of operation is more aligned with their physical instincts?
Before I dive any deeper, here's the most important disclaimer in this article:
The opposite Masculine and Feminine poles are EQUAL and COMPLEMENTARY. In this text, I'm assuming EQUALITY and from there, I'm describing COMPLEMENTARITY.
(If you get triggered, because you feel that I'm against EQUALITY of sexes, your perception is most likely biased by your past trauma, which makes you perceive gender bias even in places where it isn't. So, I'll repeat it just to make sure: I assume the EQUALITY already and this article is about the COMPLEMENTARITY of the gender poles and how you can use it to create an amazing romantic relationship.)
Having said that, it becomes obvious that:
Man (due to testicle-generated attributes) is biologically designed to hold the structure and pursue achievement THUS he is WIRED to be the Masculine Energetic Pole in the relationship.
Woman (due to ovaries-generated attributes) is biologically designed for deep feeling and fulfillment from expression THUS she is WIRED to be in the Feminine Energetic Pole in the relationship.
This is a FACT, coming from the differences between genders in the average levels of testosterone, estrogen, progesterone, oxytocin, vasopressin, etc.
HE is Leading.
SHE is Receiving.
So when a man is being led by his woman to do things and he expresses how he feels, hoping that she will see him and change the way she treats him in the relationship - he's in conflict: body vs. energy.
That's why he gets triggered and he feels it in his body.
He represents the Masculine biological pole, but he is in the Feminine energetic pole. It feels uneasy and uncomfortable.
Especially if he comes from a culture or family where this inversed wiring was strongly present and normalized.
The same is happening to a woman. If she's representing the Masculine energetic pole in her Feminine body, she doesn't feel good. She's protecting her heart by always trying to have control and it appears as Leadership. But even if she leads her man, in the end of the day, she lacks the beautiful feeling of being cherished for who she is in her genuine expression. How can she be cherished if she's controlling everything all the time? Her man can't even get to the real HER, hidden behind all that wanting to control.
When the Energetic Polarity is Inverse to Biological Polarity, there is no attraction. Even though they're both outwardly attractive, the Energetic Inversion of Polarity destroys all attraction between them, and the two become roommates.
Or cousins. There is no sex. And even if there is some sex, it's usually terrible.
This is called Inversed Polarity. The woman has been Masculinized. The Man has been Emasculated.
They create a perfect energetic match: masculine attracts feminine. But the Energetic Polarity is reversed, the whole relationship starts to feel off and it's a matter of time before it starts to crumble.
That's why masculinized "Empowered and Independent Women" protecting their hearts, disconnected from their feelings always attract the same kind of guys and feel as if "all the masculine men are gone".
Masculine men are not gone.
They're just being repelled by these women.
Just like Emasculated men repels all the radiant and beautiful women in their authentic vulnerability.
How Do Men and Women Repel Their Ideal Partner
IF she's heavily masculinized and trying to Lead, THEN the moment she meets a masculine man who Leads, she will be TRIGGERED all the time.
It's a fight about who becomes the alpha.
They will REPEL each other, as they are both on the same side of the polarity. It's just like magnets. She won't stand him, thinking he's arrogant, toxic, selfish - because he just won't submit to her Leadership.
She'll move on to find other men who will submit to her, only to discover that when she can control him, she loses respect for him and she soon gets bored.
It works the other way around too.
Men repel women the same way:
IF he's a Nice Guy, driven by Guilt and Toxic shame, THEN when a Feminine woman shows up, he's going to feel so Guilty, and Inadequate around her, that when she shares with him her feelings, he will run away. Or he falls in love so deeply that he will start clinging and make her run away.
(Also a Feminine Woman would never ever share her feelings with an emasculated Man because she feels in her body that she can't trust him. She knows he would either invalidate those feelings, rationalize them, or want to fix them.)
Inverted Polarity is a Perfect Match Made in Hell
She will never expose her heart, because she's too afraid to trust him, and he will never truly step up and start leading with honor because he's too afraid she'll reject him.
It's a "perfect" match.
And they keep each other stuck in the loop. A marriage between an emasculated man and masculinized woman.
Poor connection, no attraction, lots of friction.
Am I using these "harsh" words to be offensive?
Not at all.
I'm using the most precise terms available to describe the Energetic Inversion of Biological Polarity: Being robbed of the right to dwell in the same Energetic pole as your physical body is.
How else could I describe it?
A Man who represents a Feminine energetic pole not only is, de facto, emasculated (or feminized), but he also FEELS that way in the relationship. That's why he complains about his woman to his friends and a therapist. He's not happy.
(Masculine Man is proud of his Woman and brags about her with his buddies.)
Also, a Woman, who represents a Masculine energetic pole not only is, de facto, masculinized (or defeminized), but she also FEELS that way, being stripped of her femininity - which is why she complains about his man to her friends. It's the same thing.
Those words are symptoms, not insults.
I would never, ever use those words as insults.
Because the entire Inversion is a consequence of Trauma. There's no conspiracy, and no one did anything wrong on purpose. It's just unfortunate, it transfers on its own through generational heritage, it's part of human nature and it can't be any different.
In other words, no matter what your relationship looks like, I BELIEVE that you're always doing your best effort. If you're struggling, it's because of your cultural, social, medial, and parental conditioning.
So what is the answer to the Inversed Polarity?
Polarizing your relationship into the proper energetic poles, where your biological pole fits your energetic pole.
One where the Masculine Biological Pole = the Masculine Energetic Pole.
Where the Man with is connected with his Balls and he Leads the Relationship and Encourages her to receive. When his Leadership is received by his woman with respect, he feels incredibly amazing, he is being received fully and he is inspired to Lead and Give even more.
One where the Feminine Biological Pole = the Feminine Energetic Pole.
Where the Woman is connected to her Heart and Receives with Grace and she Encourages his Leading. Then she can surrender fully to him and his love and trust his man that she'll be taken care of. She'll surrender ever deeper and that inspires her man to step up even more.
This is the Relationship Polarity.
A relationship where the Woman's NEED to be Loved and Cherished is being met by Man's NEED to Lead and Win. Where the two needs complement and synergize with each other.
1 + 1 = 3.
He, by making her feel better, makes himself feel even better. She, by making him feel better, makes herself feel even better.
95% honeymoon period and 5% easily resolving the trauma-driven tension that inevitably comes up.
Exactly the way it was at the beginning of the relationship when you didn't yet learn to accommodate for each other's defense mechanisms and depolarized the relationship with Fear.
He got inspired to be better by feeling her open heart and she allowed her heart to be more and more open by feeling safe and loved by him.
Restoring Healthy Polarity in your relationship is simple but not easy and it happens in these 3 steps:
Take Responsibility. The cause for your relationship problems is past trauma, which shows up in the relationship as Inversed Polarity. Even though none of the pain you're dealing with is your fault, it's your Responsibility to tackle it and lead yourself and your woman (and your kids) out of it. Once you take full responsibility, you're ready for change.
Learn Emotional Releasing. Unless you know how to deal with your emotions and tension as a man, you're unable to Lead your woman through hers. You can't be constructive in survival mode. Once you know how to Lead yourself, you're ready to Lead your woman and family.
Polarize Your Communication. When you step into your Masculine pole, your partner will HAVE TO respond by stepping into hers. You will polarize your partner. It's enough if one person in the relationship starts polarize their communication, because it will automatically affect the other one too - whether it's initiated by the man or the woman. That way, you will shift your habitual patterns of communication and polarize your relationship.
If you're not experiencing a relationship where you're in the honeymoon period 95% of the time (even after the years), then the polarity between you and your partner is crooked. If you want to get more understanding of what's happening in your relationship and recover a healthy polarity, then join my free FB group, with more articles, Q&As, and FB lives.