Once people-pleasing becomes a choice, everything changes...
I am a proud people-pleaser.
But it wasn't always the case.
I used to hate myself for it.
Because I felt I had no choice.
I was an unconscious people-pleaser.
I was pleasing others so I can feel good about myself.
"If I become everything, that others wanted me to be, I'll be safe in the world."
At first, I couldn't even put the last phrase in words, because I didn't understand what I was doing.
I was just walking around the world, feeling anxious, worried about what "they will think", all while being a victim, storing massive repressed anger at the injustice I got to experience in the world.
This is how bad it was:
Once I had a workshop for a high-level job interview.
One night before the workshop, I woke up in the middle of the night, and half-sleeping I ran out of my room in my pyjamas towards the elevator.
"What the hell am I doing?"
I stopped running and woke up at the elevator at 3.30am, sweaty and shaking. I came back, changed clothes, and went to sleep again.
I was afraid of an unpredictable failure and I didn't understand it.
If you experienced an unpredictable environment, and poor boundaries as a child, CPTSD is imprinted deeply in your body.
You end up trying to make others like you all the time, being dead-worried about failing and you won't have any idea why all this is happening.
I tried everything to heal.
I did therapy, coaching and endless seminars.
In my worst, I ended up in psychiatry.
I was an extreme people-pleaser.
And I felt I don't really have a choice.
I hated it and I hated myself for it.
"Why can't I just be myself?"
I wouldn't stop asking...
But luckily, my parents also taught me curiosity and ambition, which helped me to never give up in my fight and keep looking for the answers.
And after years and years of searching, trial & error, and repeated disappointments, I came to peace with myself.
To radically simplify it, here's what I did:
I have discovered and understood my patterns (especially the Nice Guy pattern), governing my CPTSD. Without understanding what I'm doing unconsciously things did not make sense. And whether I do something consciously or unconsciously - I'm the one doing it. And with that came responsibility and empowerment.
I have decided about what I really want. And not just the next shiny object, but my personal vision. I have literally defined what my life would look like in all areas if I could have it any way I want. And I committed to going after that. 1% every day.
I have mastered emotional releasing which allowed me to process emotions and pieces of CPTSD as they come WHILE building my confidence. I got my emotional self-regulation back and I'm able to experience joy and peace just by sitting in the room and meditating.
And it feels AWESOME!
Building the life I want became fun!
(btw. I made a FREE training for guys who are interested in discovering the Natural Masculine Confidence for themselves. Click here and discover the 5-steps-game-plan to shift from overthinking & people-pleasing into authentic & genuine masculine confidence.)
My growth is not happening out of necessity to heal myself anymore, but out of my genuine desire to live a great life.
Today I tremendously enjoy pleasing people.
And the reason why is super simple: CHOICE.
I don't have to compromise my values for it, lie or overthink it.
Dictionary definition of "pleasing" is making others feel happy and satisfied.
In this literal sense of the definition, I believe, pleasing another person is one of the most beautiful experiences you can have as a human being. When you make someone else feel good and you feel good about it without the feeling of loss.
That's love, I believe.
The ultimate win-win.
And it doesn't matter if it's your client, boss, team or your date.
People-pleasing, when conscious, becomes people-loving.
People-pleasing is not a problem.
The REAL problem is the unconscious, survival-driven people-pleasing.
The difference between them is whether you "please" out of expressing your love and caring OR out of fear of being judged and rejected.
Choice is what makes the difference.
If you're reading this and you experience anxiety, overthinking, people-pleasing and generally - low ability to regulate your emotions - just know that these things can be dealt with.
All you need is hope, perseverance, and taking massive action.
(or getting so bad that you don't have a choice other than to grow)
Then, one day, you'll look back and it will all feel like a distant dream. You'll have compassion with yourself.
There will be no more self-pity, because you'll discover that it was all worth it.
It was a curriculum you just needed to take and master.
You'll let go of wanting to please people just to be liked.
And you'll start to love people genuinely.
You'll become a proud people-pleaser.
Or in other words: A Confident Man.
PS: The only way to feel love is to give love. Wanting to receive love is neediness. That's why people-pleasers come across as needy. And real confidence is about giving love. That's why Natural Masculine Confidence is 100x more powerful than any pick-up artist will ever be. Because it's genuine.
I made a FREE training for guys who are interested in discovering the Natural Masculine Confidence for themselves. Click here and discover the 5-steps-game-plan to shift from overthinking & people-pleasing into authentic & genuine masculine confidence.