How to Become a Badass People-Pleaser

When people-pleasing becomes a choice, it's driven by Love. Until then, it's a fear-driven survival response.

I am a Badass People-Pleaser.

But it wasn't always the case.

I used to hate myself for it.

The reason why is simple:

I had no choice. Or at least I thought I didn't have.

I was pleasing others so I could feel good about myself. My people-pleasing was a fawning survival response.

"If I become everything they want me to become for them, I'll be safe in the world."

Before my therapy and inner work, I had no idea what I was doing. It was all happening on autopilot.

I was just walking around the world, feeling anxious, and worried about what "everyone would think about me".

This is when I hit my extreme point:

In ~2013, I had a workshop that would determine if I get an important job interview. My subconscious need to be "good enough" was so strong, that I developed unbelievable levels of fear of failure. This kept going on for days before the workshop.

The night before the workshop, I suddenly woke up at 3:30am, and half-conscious, I sprinted out of my room in my underwear towards the elevator.

"What the hell am I doing?" I asked myself as I regained consciousness at the stairway.

I was sweaty and shaking.

I returned to my room, changed clothes, and went to sleep.

I was afraid of an undescribable failure and I didn't understand it. Today I know it was my fear expressing itself through my body.

Back then I wondered if I'm crazy.

I did a lot of healing work over the years.

I did therapy, coaching, and endless seminars.

Tantra, Tony Robbins, I once even ended in a a psychiatry.

I was an extreme people-pleaser.

And I felt I didn't have a choice.

I hated it and I hated myself for it.

"Why can't I just be myself?"

I wouldn't stop asking...

Luckily, I was curious and ambitious enough to never accept that as my permanent condition. This helped me to never give up in my fight and keep looking for the answers no matter how desperate it seemed.

And after years and years of searching, trial & error, and repeated disappointments, I gradually became more and more at peace with myself.

To radically simplify it, here's what I did:

1. I have discovered and understood my patterns (especially the Nice Guy pattern) around my people-pleasing. Without understanding what I was doing unconsciously, my behavior made no sense. I had to accept that whether I do something consciously or unconsciously - I'm the one doing it and therefore I'm responsible. This was extremely empowering.

2. I have created a strong personal Vision. Not just the next shiny object, but my personal Vision for the next 10 years. I have literally defined what my life would look like in all areas if I could have it any way I want. And I committed to pursuing that. My Vision became my lighthouse in the most challenging emotional storms.

3. I learned to release my emotions through my body. This allowed me to process stuck emotions through my body WHILE rebuilding my confidence. When I got my emotional self-regulation back life became so much more stable.

(btw. I wrote a short book for guys who are interested in working through their Nice Guy Syndrome. Click here and discover how Emotional Tension plays the key role in shifting from overthinking & people-pleasing into building an authentic & genuine masculine confidence.)

Since then, I'm obsessed with personal development.

I never stopped.

My growth is not happening out of necessity to heal myself anymore, but out of my genuine desire to live a great life.

Today I tremendously enjoy pleasing people.

And the reason why is super simple: CHOICE.

I don't have to compromise my values for it, lie or overthink it.

Dictionary definition of "pleasing" is making others feel happy and satisfied.

In this literal sense of the definition, I believe, that pleasing another person is one of the most beautiful experiences you can have. When you make someone else feel good and you feel good about it without the feeling of anxiety or loss.

"I truly want you to feel good. No strings attached." that's still people-pleasing.

But it's driven by Love.

And it's a win-win.

It doesn't matter if it's your client, boss, team, or your date.

People-pleasing, when conscious, becomes people-loving.

People-pleasing is not a problem.

It's the obsessive, frantic, survival desire that drives it that's a problem.

The survival impulse takes the choice away.

And there's a huge difference between whether you "please" out of expressing your love and caring OR out of fear of being judged and rejected.

This choice is what makes all the difference.

If you're reading this and you experience anxiety, overthinking, people-pleasing, and generally - low ability to regulate your emotions - just know that these things can be dealt with.

Then, one day, you'll look back and it will all feel like a distant dream. You'll have compassion with yourself.

There will be no more self-pity, because you'll discover that it was all worth it.

It was a curriculum you just needed to take and master.

You'll let go of wanting to please people just to be liked.

You'll please them because it will feel good to you too.

Making THEM happy will feel good to both of you.

You'll become a Badass People-Pleaser.

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PS: I wrote a short book for guys who are interested in working through their Nice Guy Syndrome. Click here and discover how Emotional Tension plays the key role in shifting from overthinking & people-pleasing into building an authentic & genuine masculine confidence.