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The Ultimate Guide to the Nice Guy Syndrome & Recovery

This guide was originally a book. I decided to open it to the public because it turned out to be very helpful for guys to understand their Nice Guy Syndrome better.



Table of Contents


Introduction Nice Guys in Business, Relationships, and Sex


Part 1 Understanding the Inner World of the Nice Guy

- What is the Nice Guy pattern?

- Logical perspective: What is the logic behind the Nice Guy behavior?

- Emotional perspective: The Root Cause of the Nice Guy behavior

Part 2 How does a young man become a Nice Guy?

- Nice Guys have good intentions, but bad strategy

Part 3 The Story of an Abandoned Lion

Part 4 Healing towards becoming The Integrated Man

- The Definition of Freedom

- Warnings

Part 5 3 Steps To Natural Masculine Confidence

- Step 1: Grow your tension skills as a habit

- Step 2: Target the subconscious mind

- Step 3: Get a high-quality mentor.

Part 6

The Integrated Man: Life with the Natural Masculine Confidence


Read this in .pdf, with the bonus chapters, printable checklists. Download the pdf here.


 


Introduction

Nice Guys in Business, Relationships, and Sex



“I’m tired of being a Nice Guy.

I’ve been poor all my life,

but I don't know quite why.”

-Tupac Shakur





I wrote this book for my 10-years-younger-self.

I was suffering and I had no clue why.


I desperately lacked confidence.


I wanted to feel good around women, my male friends, and in business settings.

I wanted to get rid of all the thinking and insecurity that drove my anxiety.

But no matter how hard I tried, it always felt like I’m lacking something.


So whenever I felt confused and insecure - I at least smiled.

That’s nice, right?

Nothing can go wrong with a little niceness.


But over time, this got to such an extreme, that I would completely lie about my internal emotional state and be nice anyway - just to be accepted and validated.


I was a liar.

A walking actor.


As a result of my fake niceness (which I didn’t see back then) I felt constant fear of speaking up, fear of failure, anxiety when being around “important” people, massive fear of authorities, and endless overthinking and overanalyzing.


Being in my head most of the time, my dating life was poor as I was desperately trying to appear perfect so that girls like me. It was inauthentic, emotionless, and - to be honest - very codependent. I was afraid to take action and I was stuck. And even though I was growing slowly, it took me a terrible amount of time to get to the root cause of what was not working.


And when I found it, I fixed it.

The good news is, that you don’t have to spend 16 years searching for answers.


I wrote this book so that you can end the suffering you’re experiencing from the lack of confidence, and stop compensating it with autopilot fake niceness while helping you develop what is already in your true nature: an authentic & spontaneous confident man.


It’s a book I wish I'd read 10 years ago.


So here’s my promise:


By the time you finish reading this book,

  1. you’ll understand the root cause of your lacking confidence,

  2. you’ll understand what drives the Natural Masculine Confidence (natural and authentic state to every man) and

  3. what EXACTLY you need to do in order to grow into the man with Natural Masculine Confidence and use it to create your dream life in Business, Dating and Love Life.


That’s a no small task, so let’s dive right in!


---



The Nice Guy pattern is the modern plague of masculinity.


When men lack confidence, it’s always because they’re afraid to show their true, authentic selves to the world. Their experiences of past trauma resulted into creating a defense mechanism, which I call the Nice Guy pattern.


It’s one of the most misunderstood and overlooked concepts in psychology.


Read these examples of men who lived under its influence most of their lives. Even though they might seem different at first, you will soon understand how they are all driven by the same simple mechanism: the Nice Guy pattern.


John is a young professional in his 30s who is not satisfied with his dating life.

He often finds it impossible to just “be himself” when he’s with a beautiful woman he is attracted to. Somehow, he presupposes that if she sees who he really is, she wouldn’t like him.

So instead of enjoying the conversation while being spontaneous and present, he always analyzes in his head what is the next right thing to say so he doesn’t screw it up and she likes him. Paradoxically, he sometimes receives feedback that he seems disconnected, lacking emotions and “trying too hard”.

This is really frustrating for him.

All he wants is that she likes him. But the harder he tries to be a perfect conversationalist, the more distant they both feel. His conversations often become very mechanical and uninteresting and his initial fear of rejection eventually turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.


John eventually found himself in a relationship. He believed that his girlfriend’s happiness was a measure of how successful he was in the relationship, so he did everything that he could to make her happy - even at the cost of his own comfort and desires.

He always took responsibility for her emotional state. If she was not happy, he always assumed he did something wrong and now it was his job to fix it.

When he listened to her, his mind was focused on finding the best solution to her problem most of the time which frustrated her even more. He struggled with "just being there and listening" - which is all she said she needed. He got frustrated when she didn’t accept his solutions, while she got frustrated because she felt unheard. This damaged their relationship and created a distance between the two until they broke up.



Ryan is a finance professional in his 40s, struggling with building his business career in the new position of a project manager.


He is facing a problem that many corporate managers and entrepreneurs face early in their careers:

  1. He receives poor quality deliverables from his colleagues. (but he never gives them honest feedback out of his fear of potential confrontation).

  2. He wants to create a high-quality output for the client. (he has an incredibly high standard).

To bridge the gap between poor-quality inputs received and high-quality outputs required, he often does the work himself. On top of that, it always seems like someone around him has important work for him to do. And with his career aspirations - he rarely refuses.

He works long hours, he is frustrated by lack of time for his personal development, and on top of that, he still feels undervalued for his efforts by his superiors. The toll is paid by his family and/or his mental health.



Benjamin, a business associate in his 30s, is struggling with the leadership position he acquired recently in the business he works for.

Up until now, he was one of the most likeable persons in the department. He never fought with anyone, he always delivered more than asked and he gladly sacrificed his time for the good of the project and the company.

He was the sweetheart of the department!

He avoided most conflicts successfully in the past with his diplomatic approach. But now, in his new position, it seems impossible. And he feels like he has too much on his plate.

  1. He struggles with saying “no”, and therefore has an overwhelming workload.

  2. He often feels that he is losing the important negotiations because he doesn’t want to create more emotional tension in the room with his ideas and proposals.

  3. He feels like he is unable to sell his ideas to the team and his clients because he is afraid of their rejection and disapproval.

Even though he loves the work he does, he starts doubting his business skills and thinks about giving up on his new position. His peers think he might have hit his career glass ceiling because of his inability to take bold risks, poor time management, and a lack of confidence.



Peter is a successful freelancer in his early 30s, who feels a lot of frustration around his sex life.

He is a good communicator, he can create a nice heart-to-heart connection with a woman. He likes to spend time with girls on dates. But when he is with a woman he is attracted to and he should finally move for the kiss and create sexual connection, he seems to have a conflict of interests:

  1. On one hand, he desires the woman sexually and he want to have sex with her.

  2. but on the other hand he is afraid to express this truth out of fear of losing what he already has with her.

He wants more, but he doesn't take any action out of fear of getting less. Saying "I like you, you turn me on." seems too direct. Instead, he waits for his perfect opportunity while trying to “seduce her indirectly”.

These indirect signs of attraction are very subtle - being a great friend, trying to appear smart, giving her gifts, making her happy all the time, and being always there when she needs him. He hopes she will recognize what a great guy he is, and eventually make her decision to be with him.

When she tells him she wants to be “just friends”, he gets angry. How could she do that after all that he did for her? Can’t she see that? He feels a lot of anger, but he doesn’t know how to express it because it would be completely incongruent with his previous behavior. So he decides to accept her friendship request, silently hoping that maybe she will change her mind if he only makes her feel nice enough for long enough time.

When he learns that she had sex with a guy who he considers being an arrogant jerk, he is confused, wondering where he made mistake and pissed off at the world for being unfair.



Josh is a senior executive in his 40s, who is desperate about his inability to achieve orgasm.

He has found a new girlfriend after a long time of being single, and he feels like he has to be a perfect lover in her eyes to be good enough for her. His mind is so occupied with outstanding sexual performance, that there is no space for the present moment and connecting with her.

During sex, he is not relaxed, but anxious. His nervous system is overwhelmed with all that thinking and worrying about his performance. What if she leaves him? Because he is unable to relax, he is unconsciously blocking the flow of sexual energy in his body, and eventually, he creates all the scenarios he is afraid of the most - he can’t reach erection and even when he does, it seems difficult to sustain.

He feels guilty for his perceived sexual failure and as a result, he tries harder - but using the same strategy only magnifies the results he already produced.


[other examples of blocking sexual energy are erectile dysfunction and/or premature ejaculation]



When the Nice Guy loses his patience...

Men with the Nice Guy pattern do not know how to deal with their negative emotions and dark, often unwanted thoughts. They see them as personality flaws that should be hidden from the world forever and make sure that the world only sees the good and nice part of them.


They believe that everyone thinks this way (not true btw.), so they try to save others from having to show their flaws too and become really considerate and careful in conversations - making it very extremely difficult for them to be spontaneous and expressive.


They force their outer expression to be “nice and okay” and they regularly pretend to be happy and nice - even when internally they’re experiencing massive frustration and anger.


Because men with the Nice Guy pattern believe this is the right and the only way of dealing with emotions and emotional tension, they will expect people around them to do the same. They unconsciously expect others to be nice to them in return.


And when they aren’t, they get frustrated and angry.


“After all that I’ve done for you…”

and they are tempted to start using guilt to get back what they feel they deserve.


Over time, it gets more and more difficult to suppress their frustration, anger, and inner guilt and Nice Guys become emotional pressure cookers.


And once the pressure becomes unbearable, they explode into verbal or physical aggression. When that happens, people around them are wondering: "How could he do that? He was such a nice guy!"


Hence the saying:


"When the Nice Guy loses his patience, the devil shivers."


For a Nice Guy though, this explosion is a deep, deep failure.


He starts beating himself up for failing to live up to his (unreal) ideal and through guilt he will decide he will never, ever do it again and he launches another round of suppressing himself and chasing perfection.


And the whole cycle starts all over again...


Read this in .pdf, with the bonus chapters, printable checklists. Download the pdf here.

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Chapter 1

Understanding the Inner World of the Nice Guy



“Trying to appear needless and wantless

prevents Nice Guys from getting their needs met.”

- Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy






What is the Nice Guy pattern?

Nice Guy pattern is a thinking & behavioral pattern that emerged as a result of trauma. The trauma was handled by creating primary and secondary beliefs and it shaped how the Nice Guy pattern thinks (logic) and what he feels (emotions).


From the Nice Guy’s inner perspective, it is the substitute for confidence.

But as you will soon learn, it is very inefficient, quite predictable and very frustrating.


In this chapter, you will learn everything you need to know to understand why you think, feel and behav



Primary belief

Based on the experiences in his childhood, the man who runs the Nice Guy pattern internalizes the following belief:


“I am not okay the way I am.”


This belief is his core defense mechanism against the repeated psychological pain he had been experiencing in the past. It is the core driver of the entire lack of self-confidence and his Nice Guy Pattern.


You will soon learn that creating this belief was not a failure, but a temporary necessary condition to deal with the dysfunctional behavior around you (chapter 2: How Does a Young Boy Become a Nice Guy?).



Secondary beliefs

Nice Guy believes that the broken part of himself is unacceptable for the world. Therefore, in order to survive, he discovered a safe way to feel loved and good enough and he embraced it through the following beliefs:

  1. “I must become what other people want me to become to feel safe and loved”, and

  2. “I must hide my flaws, to be accepted and avoid rejection.”


Nice Guy is a man who always wants to meet the expectations of others, and it costs him meeting his own needs first, being frustrated at how “unfair” the world setup is.

This has a large negative impact on almost all areas of his life.

As you could see in the first chapter, Nice Guy’s behaviors are diverse. But what they all have in common is the way of thinking and the logic they use to navigate the world.


To heal your Nice Guy pattern, understanding how he thinks is crucial.

Let's have a look at the Nice Guy's inner world from both a logical and an emotional perspective.



Logical perspective: What is the logic behind the Nice Guy behavior?

In order to navigate the world, Nice Guys developed three core beliefs that rule most of their decisions. If you pay close attention, you will notice that these beliefs are contractual: IF-THEN:

  1. “If I am a good guy, then everyone will love me and like me (and people I desire will desire me).”

  2. “If I meet other people’s needs without them having to ask, then they will meet my needs without me having to ask.”

  3. “If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free life.”


Dr. Glover, the author of the book No More Mr. Nice Guy, calls these beliefs "covert contracts" because Nice Guys believe that if they stick with their part of the contract, their counterparts should stick with theirs.


They have never learned this dynamic formally, but they have embraced it from observing the world around them and internalizing it unconsciously.


However, the real world does not operate through these contracts. Furthermore, they are based on lying (hiding and bending the truth to get approval), calculating and expectations (I’ll get what I want if I give what you want), and dogmatism (there is always a right way to do things).


It’s important to note that Nice Guys do not choose to relate with others through covert contracts consciously.

They did not choose these beliefs.


They aren't aware of using them to make decisions in everyday life. They adopted them early in life and they are still held in their unconscious mind through emotional pain.


Therefore, these contracts remain unquestioned and Nice Guys believe that they must work. They believe it's how the world should work - despite experiencing the opposite over and over again.


When their strategies don’t work, they will not question them, but, sadly, do more of them.


Why?

They believe that if they can only do everything right (contract #3), they will eventually achieve success and happiness. Therefore, anytime they feel frustrated, guilty, ashamed, or angry, they start thinking logically, what they did wrong. When they finally think they figured it out, they get excited and go out trying harder.


But there is always a catch - something they forgot to consider. They go back to figuring out what they did wrong. They figure it out, try harder, and fail again.


It's a vicious circle.


Using logic to fix your Nice Guy pattern never ends.

It only gets more and more frustrating.

It’s a hamster wheel.


If you want to really heal your Nice Guy pattern, you need to look at his inner world through his emotions.




Emotional perspective: The Root Cause of the Nice Guy behavior

Taking all the logical thinking of the Nice Guys away, and looking at their behavior from a purely emotional perspective, it suddenly becomes very simple.


The reason for all the Nice Guys’ dysfunctional behavior is this:


Avoiding Emotional Tension.

It’s the root cause of every Nice Guy behavior.

Write that down and remember it forever.


What is Emotional Tension?

It's the psychological tension you feel when you get under pressure.

Metaphorically, it's no different from the physical tension you feel when you contract (or stretch) your muscle, but with emotional tension, the muscle is your psyche.


Emotional Tension is present in all of these situations:

  • experiencing awkward pause,

  • expressing compliment to a beautiful woman,

  • asking for a salary raise,

  • saying “no” to someone,

  • sharing vulnerability,

  • being asked an uncomfortable question,

  • resolving conflict,

  • giving a compliment to anyone,

  • being disagreed with,

  • forgiveness,

  • feeling rejected,

  • setting boundaries with someone,

  • being honest about what's true for one,

  • etc.


Emotional Tension is neither good nor bad - it’s neutral.


The same as a kitchen knife.

It's bad if you use it to stab your neighbor.

It's good if you use it to cook a delicious dinner.


Emotional Tension is neutral.

It's bad when it's a source of pain.

It's good when it's a source of growth and fun.


Understanding this is absolutely crucial for healing your Nice Guy pattern and turning it into Natural Masculine Confidence in a very short time.


Your relationship with emotional tension makes all the difference.


Embracing, handling and enjoying the tension makes you a confident man who can stay authentic, grounded, and true to himself even when the emotional tension is high.


Avoiding tension makes you a Nice Guy, who seeks approval and avoids conflict.


A couple of examples:

Business

  • If I believe I can handle the tension of setting boundaries with a colleague, I will be honest with him about how I feel and create a win-win situation.

  • But if I believe I won't handle it, I will avoid confrontation and submit to whatever he wants.

Dating

  • If I believe I can handle the tension of giving an honest compliment to a beautiful woman, I will do that with joy and maybe we will flirt and have fun.

  • But if I believe I won't handle it, I will avoid taking action and just daydream about her.

Sex life

  • If I believe I can handle the tension of being honest about what I like in sex, I can expand my sex life and a relationship.

  • But if I believe I won't handle it, I will sacrifice my true desires and only do what I think is acceptable for the other person.


Can you see it now?


It’s not about the words.

It’s not about the specific behavior.

It’s not about body language and communication skills.


Don’t get me wrong - all these play a role in confidence, but they are secondary.


Nice Guys do a terrible mistake of avoiding tension because they believe that they can figure out the right way logically. They believe they wouldn't handle the emotional tension of "I want a 20% raise in salary" (in business) or "I like you, I think you're hot." (in dating). Instead, they will use endless logical analysis to figure out a less confrontational and indirect way to get what they want.


And that’s a trap, because no matter how good your words are, if you can’t handle the tension of the conversation, the other person will feel it - in dating, relationships and business.


For a confident man, emotional tension is an opportunity to have fun and explore his limits. His words appear confident and often lead to success, but it's not the words that create that impact. It's something about his way of being that’s difficult to describe: his capacity to handle that emotional tension with ease.


He can stay relaxed and be himself even when a lot of tension is present.


Bonus: Nice Guy pattern & Death of Flirt

Every man wants to be able to flirt with women confidently. Having a connection with his date or girlfriend and adding the spark and sexual tone, making his time with her playful, pleasurable and fun. This makes every man come alive and women love men who can flirt confidently!


So what is flirt, really?


This is the dictionary definition: “Behaving as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions.”


This is my simplified definition: “Handling and enjoying sexual tension.”


Men with the Nice Guy pattern can’t flirt, because they also avoid sexual tension. When it emerges, they can’t handle it, because they don’t want to be offensive, creepy or too cheesy. When sex gets in the converstaion, fear of being one of the three comes up and Nice Guy pattern kicks in: wanting to be nice, doing everything right. This triggers overthinking, avoiding tension and an immediate death of flirt.


Men who can flirt can simply handle and enjoy sexual tension. During the conversation about anything, they just insert a sexual intention in the conversation so that THEY HAVE MORE FUN. Longer eye contact, compliment, a subtle smile, a brief sexual fantasy with the girl in their head and a long sigh… The options are infinite. They do not do it for the girl to like them, but for themselves to have more fun. The last sentence is absolutely crucial. This makes women attracted to men. Not his words or gestures, but the fact that he’s having fun with himself. He’s confident, there are no techniques, he’s just having fun. Of course she wants to be part of it!




When Nice Guy gets into Emotional Tension - his body goes on a survival autopilot.

His muscles get tense, his heart starts beating fast, he puts on a forced smile (that he can make very real) and his thoughts start racing. At that moment, his paradigm and covert contracts get activated for one single purpose: to avoid guilt (doing something wrong...) and shame (...exposing his flaws and proving he’s “not okay the way he is”).


For the Nice Guys, very little emotional tension is enough to trigger psychological shrinking, negative emotions and downward confidence spiral. Using the stretching metaphor - his muscle feels unbearable pain even with the slightest stretch.


I’ll give you an example to illustrate this...


Andrew, a very talented young entrepreneur in his 30s, who I met at my seminar, completely rejected one of the exercises we were doing. When he was asked to approach a stranger and give her an honest compliment, many of his fears came up to the surface. He was afraid he would appear weird and creepy.


His heart started to race, his palms got sweaty and he felt like he had nothing to say whatsoever. For him, these were not just emotions of fear and shame that needed to be handled. For him, this was a life-threatening situation that made his unconscious mind switch to fight for survival.



That’s how deep his unconscious beliefs were.

In high-tension situations, Nice Guy’s body gets tense and he immediately starts to fight these emotions with logic. But the racing thoughts don’t make him more relaxed - quite the opposite.


(Andrew’s reaction is very typical. He eventually managed to overcome his fears and massively improve his relationship with tension. Today he is confidently dating beautiful women and he also launched his own business - all using the formulas in this ebook.)


Nice Guy has a strong tendency to resolve all his negativity with his logical mind through thinking & figuring it out.

He believes that when he finally succeeds, his problems will be solved.

It's ingrained in his 3rd covert contract: "If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free life."


And because he had been doing that his entire life, his standard is now as high as "perfection". But deep down he knows that his perfection is impossible, so he has a chronic fear of failure. This fear is constantly reminding him how "not enough" he would be if he were exposed.


Naturally, the more desperately he tries to avoid failure, the more he is reminded of how he is not good enough. His biggest enemy is emotional tension because it makes him feel all that he wants to avoid. His best friend is logic because he believes it's his only chance to avoid emotional pain forever.


But with that, he uses his logical mind to resolve the emotional pain.

That’s like trying to make a toast using a washing machine.

It’s impossible!


Therefore, the more he tries, the harder it gets.

And the harder it gets, the more anxiety he feels.


The logical mind was not designed to resolve emotional problems.

But the Nice Guy doesn’t believe that yet.

Therefore, he’s banging his head against the wall (getting rid of emotional tension by figuring it out) until he realizes that there must be some other way.


To sum it up:

Nice Guys want to think their way out of emotional tension.

They want to do things right logically to avoid tension - whatever it takes.

They believe that one day in the future, they'll figure it all out, become good enough (perfect), and they won't have to face tension at all and they’ll be safe forever.

They create impossible expectations for themselves, and immediate feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure.

But those emotions are uncomfortable to face too, so they, again, will use logic to figure them out and get rid of them inefficiently.

And the cycle repeats.


Remember: The root cause of the Nice Guy behavior is avoiding emotional tension.


"That’s terrible," you might think, “How did we end up in so much sh*t?”

It's a great question and the next chapter is about...




Read this in .pdf, with the bonus chapters, printable checklists. Download the pdf here.

---



Chapter 2

How does a young man become a Nice Guy?




“All communication is either a loving response

or a cry for help.”

- A Course In Miracles





Peter was born into a family of two highly accomplished parents. The day he was born they decided he would be a special child. The expectations they had on him were huge ever since he remembers. He wanted to live up to their expectations - as every child would want - to make his parents proud of him, so he started to chase achievements from an early age. He became an accomplished man himself by societal standards, but no matter how many trophies he got, nothing seemed to be enough for his parents. When he became an adult and left his parents’ house, he continued to pursue trophies one after another - but no matter how much he achieves, he still doesn’t feel good enough. As if he did not deserve it. He feels anxious around people, worried that they might discover something about him that would make him a fraud. Anytime he feels the fear of being exposed, he’s “nice”, making sure no one notices anything.


David grew up without his father. He was there physically, but he was never present with his attention for David. Early in life, he learned to take a lot of responsibility at home. He learned to be a great support to his mother, who also longed for the presence of her husband. David learned to be there when she had emotional outbursts, as if always ready to take over the role of his father. Deep inside, he had a lot of anger against his father, but he never allowed himself to let it affect him. Any effort for a meaningful or connected conversation with him ended up in failure. He also often felt like he was failing in providing his mother the comfort she needed. When he entered adulthood, he was struggling with sharing vulnerability with a woman.


Tony grew up in a seemingly perfect family. They never had any conflicts at home, he had great respect for his parents. He knew his parents wanted only the best for him, so he obeyed them even though he felt that his truth was different from theirs. He wouldn’t bear the guilt of disappointing them if he went against their will. After all, they were such a great family! He always made sure that he and his family appeared in the best light on the outside. Chasing the perfect image, he completely lost his own self. He is successful at work, but it requires him to push through enormous amounts of resistance. Being at the edge of burnout, he is now confused about his own direction in life, because he struggles with distinguishing what he truly wants from what he wants just to appear perfect.



Nice Guys have good intentions, but bad strategy


Nice Guy develops his pattern in childhood as a way to deal with some of the most painful feelings he experienced with his parents and the environment he grew up in.


In the ideal world, the child would receive unconditional love and clear personal boundaries from its parents.


With that the child would learn two things: 1. It's enough and worthy of love just the way it is (same as everyone around it is enough and worthy of love, just the way they are).

2. It's only responsible for its own thoughts and emotions (same as everyone else is only responsible for theirs).


This allows the child to grow into a loving, self-responsible, and thriving adult with clear personal boundaries. This man fully accepts and loves himself as well as others - without judgment. He pursues his ambition as a result of following his inner burning desire and the pleasure of learning, growth, and fulfilling his potential. He knows the boundaries between his and others’ personal space and he is assertive when someone breaks them. He is confident without putting any effort into it.


But the world we live in is far from ideal.

Children don’t come to this world with a manual and parents, no matter how hard they try, will eventually make mistakes and they will make their children experience minor or major trauma.

That’s part of being human.


What makes the difference is the intensity of the trauma.

The Nice Guy pattern develops after learning that the child must meet certain conditions to be loved.

And they also learned that it is their responsibility to take care of others' emotions too.


These children learned they are responsible for the pain and joy of their parents and others around them and must ensure their happiness. Otherwise they’re responsible - and if they’re made responsible for other people’s pains, they feel guilty.


They learned, they need to take care of others emotionally, otherwise, they'll get in trouble. They learned, they are only enough and worthy of love if they make others around them happy.


The child will always find ways to earn love from its parents.

If it learns to earn love through making others happy in childhood, it will use the same strategy as an adult:

"I'll be loved only if others are happy around me."


That's love with a condition.


It believes that the condition is applied to everyone equally:

"If I make others happy, others will make me happy in turn."


When it doesn't happen, the child believes it did something wrong.

So in its pursuit of love, it feels confused, frustrated, and angry.

It's a very natural reaction.


But the child feels that it shouldn’t have those negative emotions.

They wouldn’t make others happier, so the child might end up being even less worthy of love.

The child feels ashamed of having those feelings so it decides to hide and suppress them.


With that, It starts to fear being exposed.


"If I do everything right, I will never have to face those feelings again.", it hopes.

But the feelings are still there and they are growing in intensity.


At a certain point, it's impossible to hide anymore.

The child expresses their real thoughts and emotions.

As a result - it gets punished (judgment, rejection, unacceptance).


But punishment only reinforces the child's belief that it did something wrong and increases its feelings of shame and guilt. The child decides, the mistake cannot be repeated, and the next time it will do it "the right way".


And it will try harder.

This becomes a vicious circle.

The Nice Guy pattern is a residue of this vicious circle that follows the child all the way to adulthood.


---


Chapter 3

You Always Knew Who You Are The Story of an Abandoned Lion



“Can you remember who you were,

before the world told you who you should be?”

- Charles Bukowski




A very young lion was abandoned by his parents a few weeks after he was born.

Unable to take care of himself, he was left to the mercy of fate.

One day, a herd of sheep accidentally stumbled upon him during their occasional walk through the forest.

The sheep, because they felt sorry for the lion, took care of him.


The lion grew up with sheep since then.

He did everything like sheep.

He walked like sheep, talked like sheep and he made sounds like sheep - "Baa...Meh-meh".

He played with other sheep like they do - being careful so that no one gets their skin dirty.


He desperately tried to fit in with everything he did, but no matter how hard he tried, he always struggled.


He felt somehow different.

It was frustrating and he often felt lonely.

But he felt ashamed for having such feelings.


Admitting such feelings to others would only prove his worry about how different he is.

No one would really understand him.

So he kept it for himself, hoping that one day he will do everything right and the sheep will finally accept him.


One day, he was alone in the forest and he saw a group of other lions in the distance.

It was the first time in his life that he saw other lions.


They were having fun together as lions do - challenging each other, fighting, and roaring so loud that the entire forest could hear it.

He got scared, but something inside of him told him to stay.


So he stayed.

He came closer.

And he just watched in silence.


Eventually, the other lions noticed him.


With a few swift jumps, they came closer.

They were now looking right at him.

He was terrified!


"Who are you?" they asked.

"I am a sheep." said the lion.

The other lions started to laugh.


The young lion’s fear suddenly turned into a deep embarrassment.


"You're not a sheep! You're a lion!"

they said in an amusing way.


"No, I am a sheep! Look..."

and he tried to make a sound like sheep do:

"...meh-meh."


His legs started to tremble from even more fear and embarrassment.


At that point, it was painful for the other lions to watch.

They stopped laughing.

They understood that he was serious.


The young lion was still trembling.


The older lions looked at each other as if they were having a silent conversation.

Then, one of the mature lions grabbed him by the skin on his neck and started to run to a nearby lake.

Everyone followed.


At the lake, he dropped him on the ground.


One of the lions stood up in front of him and told him:

"You're a lion.”


The young lion was confused.

What?

He always believed, he's a sheep!


But the other lions were more similar to him!


The older lion continued:

“Now I want you to look at me and roar like a lion!"


What’s going on?


He never roared!

He doesn’t know how to do that!

It felt good watching the other lions do that, but he’s different!


“I don’t know how to roar…”

he was thinking.


What if he fails?

What if it'll be weird?

What if they'll laugh at him?


The older lions saw how paralyzed he was by all that thinking and hesitating.

One of them grabbed him by the neck again, took him closer to the lake, and sank his head under the water until he was short of breath.

Then he pulled him out and dropped him on the ground again.


Now the young lion was scared to death!


What the hell are they doing?

Why do they want him to do something he has no idea how to do?


"Now roar!"

the older lion said again, with a penetrating voice and presence.


Young lion was shaking from fear, but now knew he had to do something, as he was also scared of dying if he didn't do anything.



"Aaaargh-meeeeh!"

He tried the best he knew, hoping it would impress the older lions and they'll let him go.


The older lion grabbed him again and sank his head under the water to the edge of drowning.

After a few seconds he pulled him out, threw him back on the ground in front of the other lions.

The young lion was chasing breath.


He was still scared to death, but something inside of him shifted.

They have crossed a line.

No one has ever talked to him like this before.


Now it's real!


The older lion, still standing in front of him, was waiting until the young lion caught breath and looked him in the eyes, dead-serious.

Young lion looked up and they stared into each other’s eyes in silence.

The young lion was still catching breath but now he was focused.


He was determined.


He kept eye contact with deadly presence.

No one looked away for a long minute.

The tension in the group rose and everyone could feel the anger and resistance rising in the young lion.


The older lion said to him, with a penetrating presence:

"You're not a fucking sheep."

and while keeping his eyes locked, he finished:


"...and now ROAR!!!"


In that moment, the young lion decided to give it everything he ever had.

No matter how it ends - he now gives it all!

Even if that would be the last thing he ever did.


All the fear and resistance in the young lion's body suddenly turned into a surge of energy.

He took a deep breath and, for the first time in his life, he roared at the top of his lungs!


“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!”


His roar was spreading to the furthest corners of the forest long after he stopped!


He felt amazing!

His entire body was pulsating!

He felt thrilled, proud, and more alive than ever before!


"I am a lion!"


What an amazing feeling!

Suddenly he knew exactly who was!

It was inside of him the entire time!


All this sheep nonsense suddenly seemed like a joke!

And with that, he started to laugh!


It felt amazing to discover all this power inside of him!

And how natural it all feels!

What was all that fear and shame for?!


The older lions were smiling peacefully.


Eventually, one of them said:


"You're not a sheep.

You never were and you've always known that.

Didn’t you?


You're a lion and you always were!"


Since that day, the lion has never tried to walk, talk and have fun like sheep do.

His past didn't matter, as now he knew who he was and who he had always been.

He discovered that his true nature never changed.


Before meeting other lions, he always played it safe - like sheep taught him.

He never had an opportunity to experience his life at the edge.

The other lions helped him to get to the very edge of his limits to help him discover his true Self.


Once he felt what it tastes like, he knew he wanted to build on that and expand on that!


That young lion was a modern Nice Guy.

The older lions were his teachers & mentors.

They showed him the way, they saw through his bullsh*t and they believed in him more than he believed in himself.


They did not see him as fragile.


They walked the path themselves, and they knew exactly the next step he needed to walk to grow to his next level.

They have their own mentors who help them to grow.

They all develop their Natural Masculine Confidence.


Together, they form a tribe: The Integrated Men.


---


"The Integrated Man embraces everything that makes him unique: his power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion as well as his imperfections, his mistakes, his feminine side, and his dark side."


Read this in .pdf, with the bonus chapters, printable checklists. Download the pdf here.

---


Chapter 4

Healing towards becoming The Integrated Man



“The most powerful force in the Universe is the compound interest.”

- Albert Einstein






The Definition of Freedom

What's the one difference between the:

  • men, who work hard their entire lives, never get what they want, and die with resentment?

  • and men, who work even harder, have fun and live their dream lives in abundance?

These two men have a very different definition of freedom.


When a man is ruled by his Nice Guy pattern, a large part of his life is driven by unconscious, fear-based autopilot.


Nice Guy's unconscious goal is to feel safe by avoiding tension.

His strategy is doing everything right until no emotional tension has to be faced anymore.

His definition of freedom is: "Abundance of money/sex/relationships without having to work hard (feel the tension) anymore."


No man has ever achieved both success and fulfillment using this strategy.

But once the Nice Guy pattern is fully healed and integrated, man's reality changes.


His unconscious goal of avoiding tension and seeking comfort turns into a conscious goal of growth and seeking beautiful experiences.

His strategy is pursuing the goals he chose and constantly stepping into tension while turning every experience into growth or beautiful experiences.

His definition of freedom changes to: "Pursuit of a meaningful challenge."


He is now excited to step into tension!


Tension became his ally to create his dream life.

And when his pursuit of the meaningful challenge is aligned with his highest vision for the good of all, it turns into Purpose and he becomes unstoppable.

I call this kind of man The Integrated Man.


Take Richard Branson, for instance.


That guy is 69 and thriving!

He runs his business empire of 400 companies and further expands his wealth of 4.5bn USD every year. He regularly challenges himself for a life of endless adventure by kitesurfing, hot-air balloon rides, new business ventures, philanthropy, and outrageous fun.


The core difference between the Nice Guy and The Integrated Man is in his relationship with emotional tension:

  • Nice Guy hates it, because he believes it would kill him

  • The Integrated Man loves it, because it allows him to build his dream life.


This is the one thing.

The core of it.

And even though the difference is extreme, you can transform your relationship with tension with one simple decision and it’s this:


"I choose to grow my ability to handle and enjoy tension by 1% a day for the rest of my life."


1% a day growth doesn't seem like much, but if you compound that over a year, you get 2,800%. That's 28x growth! Over 2 years, this compounds to 143 000%, and over 3 years it's 5 400 000% - 5,400x growth!


That’s why Peter Drucker said: "We greatly overestimate what we can do in one year. But we greatly underestimate what is possible for us in five years"


If you compound your 1% daily growth for 3 years, you will change by 5 400 000%!

Benjamin Hardy, in his book Personality Isn't Permanent, proves that your personality isn't fixed and can be changed. 1% daily growth is barely noticeable during one day, but compound that over a period of time and you will experience a miracle.


If you commit to a lifetime of daily 1% growth, your life eventually MUST become effortless as all you do is have fun doing things you're scared of.


Paradoxically, this step should be easy.

Here is why:


The nature of the Universe is Expansion and the nature of Nature itself is Growth.


Physicists recognize it under the “Eternal expansion of the Universe.”

Business refers to it through the idea of “Kaizen.”

Modern psychology calls it: “Growth mindset.”

Tony Robbins calls it “Constant and Never-ending Improvement.”

Nick Swinmurn from Zappos called it “Get 1% better every day.”


You can find the idea of small incremental growths over time being a prerequisite to success in all the philosophies - including the Bible, Quran, Bhagavad-Gita, Stoicism, Hermeticism, and modern psychology.


Once your approach to emotional tension is aligned with the nature of the Universe, you’re on the fast track to healing your Nice Guy pattern and developing your Authentic Masculine.


All you have to make is a decision:

"I choose to grow my ability to handle and enjoy tension by 1% a day for the rest of my life."


A growth mindset is such a wide-spread concept that I’m sure you’ve heard about it before. But what you probably haven’t heard yet is a simple, but powerful practice that can expand your capacity to handle tension every day by 1% and make it an autopilot for the rest of your life.


This decision will make you walk faster than you used to run before. It's not for everyone, as only the most mature men are ready to commit and stay consistent in the long-term. But what I can guarantee you for sure - the results are worth it!


Eventually, as you get better with tension, you will forget you’ve ever wanted to avoid it. This point will come very silently and unexpectedly. That’s when you know your Nice Guy pattern is fully healed.




The Integrated Man psychology

As you will heal your Nice Guy pattern, you will gradually shift your psychology to its healthy alternative: The Integrated Man. Similar to the Nice Guy pattern, it also has its beliefs structure. Here are the primary beliefs:


Primary beliefs

“I am okay EXACTLY the way I am.”

All my imperfections are part of my perfect evolution.

Failure is a misinterpretation of a learning impulse.

(as opposed to “I’m not okay the way I am.”)


“I must become what I decide to become to have a successful & fulfilling life.”

My burning desire is my highest compass.

(as opposed to “I must become what other people want me to become to feel safe and loved”)


These 2 primary beliefs will drive everything in your life.

I have made a list of additional 28 beliefs for you to understand better how The Integrated Man looks like, thinks like, and what he feels like.


But before I give you the 3 steps of how to transform your Nice Guy pattern into this Natural Masculine Confidence of The Integrated Man for yourself, there are three important warnings I need to give you first so you know what you’re getting yourself into.



Warning #1: Don’t fix yourself!!!


I don't see the Nice Guy pattern as a disease, but rather a behavioral pattern learned in childhood. That's why I call it the Nice Guy pattern and I believe it can be eliminated.


You heal the Nice Guy part of you not by focusing on its elimination, but by implementing the new pattern to such a degree, that eventually you will completely forget that the old one was ever a problem.


Focusing only on fixing your Nice Guy pattern will make you obsess about it and paradoxically make you more attached to it and make the problem worse. Many men make this mistake and they end up solving their Nice Guy pattern for decades and move nowhere.


Expanding your capacity to handle and enjoy emotional tension is the key element to your healing and development of your Natural Masculine Confidence.


The more emotional tension you can handle and enjoy on your journey to create your dream life, the less control your Nice Guy pattern will have over you. The tension that was previously unbearable reduces to uncomfortable, then it turns into tolerable and eventually becomes enjoyable. That's the true purpose of self-development: more success, fun & fulfillment!



Warning #2: The opposite of crazy is still crazy.


Many men believe that handling more emotional tension will inevitably turn them into arrogant jerks. This is a very common fear and it’s perfectly justified.


There is a big difference between Natural Masculine Confidence and “Narcissistic Confidence”.


First of all, Narcissistic Confidence is not confidence at all.

It’s a dramatic expression of an inflated ego in order to get approval for its grandiosity and desired delusional perfection.

It’s similar to the Nice Guy pattern in a sense, that both are addicted to approval from the external in order to feel good and enough.


Natural Masculine Confidence has nothing to do with that.


Natural Masculine Confidence is an ability to handle and enjoy emotional tension, while remaining present and having a feeling of social freedom, because you’re now able to take your joy and feelings of love from the inside.


It is driven by love for people, for women, for doing business to improve the state of the world. It sees beauty and harmony around itself effortlessly and it just reacts to that.


There is not a need to “do it right”.

There is a lot of joy from taking action.

And there is a lot of joy from stepping into tension in order to create a great life for oneself and others!


Healing the Nice Guy pattern is about moving to the center.

Becoming an arrogant jerk is a consequence of a quick-fix solution that just overcompensates the Nice Guy pattern by switching to the opposite extreme of the same problem.

The opposite of crazy is still crazy.


Warning #3: Things might not make much sense at first.


Your Nice Guy pattern believes that to survive, he needs to figure everything out with logic. Anytime discomfort appears, he starts avoiding emotion with logical thinking. That's what he did his entire life!


Women call this "being in your head", disconnected from the present moment.


That's why the biggest initial challenge in integrating your Nice Guy pattern is to not reacting to emotions with logic but allowing yourself to feel them. When your Nice Guy pattern appears in uncomfortable tension, the natural reaction of his body is to react and to shrink. With that, he will release the tension through changing topics, throwing in a fake smile, or using humor to escape the emotion.


Releasing the tension makes his body relax and feel safe again.


The key here is to expand the comfort zone around the feeling (awkwardness, anger, sadness, etc.) so that all the logical mechanisms kick in later and later until they're almost gone. It's the very opposite of figuring it all at once and doing what is "right" logically.


Now you’re ready for the juice...


Read this in .pdf, with the bonus chapters, printable checklists. Download the pdf here.

---


Chapter 5

3 Steps To Natural Masculine Confidence



“The secret to change is to focus all of your energy

not on fighting the old but on building the new.”

- Socrates





This practice will literally change your body on a physiological level.


No matter how much tension you can handle today, your nervous system is designed to expand that capacity - depending on your will and strategy used. In fact, your capacity to handle tension is expanding throughout your life whether you want it or not. The question is how much you try to avoid this inevitable fact and fight against it.


If you struggle with your Nice Guy pattern, it's because your mind and body were conditioned in the past, that emotional tension is bad and you should avoid it. Therefore, the amount of emotional tension you can handle today is limiting your life. When you step into too much emotional tension, your nervous system gets overstimulated, and your subconscious kicks in with the Nice Guy autopilot again.


Therefore, the key to developing Natural Masculine Confidence and embracing The Integrated Man pattern lies in expanding your nervous system to handle more emotional tension.


So how do you do that?



Step 1: Expand your capacity to handle tension by 1% per day. Do 3 things that require you to step into emotional tension EVERY DAY.


If you want to stretch your muscle, you need to apply tension to it with stretching and then relax in it. When you stretch the muscle, your nervous system tenses up and now it’s up to your conscious intention to relax. When you do that, your nervous system and muscles adapt and you gain flexibility.


If you want to stretch your confidence, it’s literally the same thing. You need to apply tension to it too by stepping into situations that would make you feel the tension and relax in it. By cutting off the automatic Nice Guy pattern and consciously deciding to relax, you’re moving towards Natural Masculine Confidence 1% at the time. And remember - 1% a day = 3.800% a year.


And here is the best part: Enjoy this exercise!

Like in stretching - eventually you’ll fall in love with it because it feels good.


If you hate the stretch, you will create aversion to the exercise and give up.

If you fall in love with the stretch, you will do it forever because it’s easy.

It’s literally the same with emotional tension.


Your job is to keep changing that relationship by 1% every day, by

  1. STEPPING INTO TENSION - doing the things that make you feel the tension. Just a little bit at the time. Do it with the intention to have fun.

  2. FEELING THE TENSION - without doing anything with it. No figuring it out. No analyzing. No worrying. Just feeling your nervous system tensing up and breathing to relax it consciously.


That’s it.

It’s that simple.

Therefore very few people do it.


But wait, it gets even better….


What you do is completely up to you!

You can literally do things that are fun, that expand your curiosity, that will make you feel good, maybe healthy, maybe excited.


It doesn’t really matter what actions you’ll do specifically, as long as you allow yourself to feel the tension and relax in it and keep striving for enjoying it. Tension, in and of its own, is the same in any situation - like the muscle tension. So any action you take is good enough!


Doing things that require you to step into emotional tension and allowing yourself to feel that tension in your body makes your nervous system upgrade to a new level 1% a day.


Options are endless!

  • Hold eye contact with strangers a bit longer, stand up for yourself in a meeting, dance in a party a bit more,

  • Drink less alcohol (or none) to feel more of the tension, talk more when you feel like staying silent, dance naked in the bathroom for 10 seconds every day,

  • Ask a stranger about their favorite color.

  • Enjoy life. Make fun of yourself. Show courage through saying "I love you" to someone you love but you're too shy to share that normally (even your parents).

  • Wish stranger a good day. Ask them about their superhero. Do something good that is not common.

  • Ask a cute girl you like about the time and then wish her a beautiful weekend. Maybe tell her that she has a cute smile. Give her a compliment.

  • Grow tension by keeping eye contact with people a bit longer than you're used to. You'll be surprised how much people like it actually!

  • Speak up when it matters! Show disagreement for something that is worth it. Maybe step into tension with no specific end goal just to see what happens.

  • Become a provocateur for a while, allow your inner child to have fun!


Simply have fun & do what is meaningful for you!

1% at a time, the options are endless.

And keep noticing what is happening in your body.


For the fastest growth - when you step into tension, check what tension level the situation feels like on a scale from 1-10.

And step into levels of 2-7 on the tension scale.

Why?


If you kill it with 9 and 10 all the time, you get tired, burn out quickly and fail in the long run.

If you just do only 1, there is no stretch and you will not experience much growth.

It's the same as lifting weights in a gym - too much tension can injure you, too little tension gives you no growth.


Sometimes it’s good to stretch yourself with 9s every now and then, but the core of the exercise is experiencing the optimal amount of tension (2-7) and observing how you grow over time.

What used to be 10 in the beginning will gradually shift to 7 and then to 5.

Your excitement and joy and pride will grow.


Watch out! I see many guys trying to fix their entire Nice Guy pattern at once. Watch out as this is a self-sabotage pattern! It doesn't work because if you try to fix yourself, you are wanting to avoid long-term work and commitment. It's based on a Nice Guy belief: "Wanting to do everything right to have a smooth and problem-free life." It inevitably leads to failure and relapse into the Nice Guy pattern.



Step 2: Target the subconscious mind.

Speed up the transformation by DAILY “Gains & Wins Journal” about your gains and growth


Journal about your gains and growth before you go to sleep in the following format:


"Gains & Wins:

  1. What I did

  2. What went good (+) & What I've learned (- turned into a +)

  3. Emotional tension level on a scale 1-10"


Gains are the celebrations of your learning experiences, everything you’ve learned.

Wins are the celebrations of your victories, great feelings, experiences, good feedback, anything beautiful you experience during the day. Anytime you step into tension is a win, because you didn’t let your fear control you.


I recommend you to literally specifically write "Gains & Wins" in the beginning of your journal entry, so that you keep reminding your subconscious mind why you're doing it: to grow and to feel good!


When you review your day, you experience the positive feelings again in your mind and your subconscious mind starts to adapt to the new standard of the feelings you experience on an average day.


If you do this long enough, your physical body will catch up by increasing the volume of neurotransmitters available for feelings of gratitude, joy and satisfaction.


This practice also limits the Nice Guy pattern of beating oneself up - negative and destructive self-talk. When you start practicing the journal, you are forcing yourself to turn any experience into a positive one: you either WIN or you LEARN. Over time, you will be able to do it faster and faster in everyday life and then it becomes your new normal.


This practice literally makes you rewire your subconscious mind to override the old Nice Guy pattern paradigm.


It’s crazy how well this works!

In a few months, it literally turns you into a different human being.

I’ve experienced it and I’ve seen my clients experience it over and over again.


ALL MY LONG-TERM CLIENTS say that consistency with Gains & Wins is the most important leverage they have on their average emotional state. Read this again, please. Because here you have a guaranteed way to improve your emotional state, black on white.


All you have to do is just do it.

Keep it simple, just a few bullet points.

Here’s an example:


“Gains & Wins:

  • approached a girl in the supermarket and asked her what the time was. Maintained eye contact and enjoyed her beauty. This made my day better. I was grounded and relaxed. In the end I wished her a beautiful day. 6/10

  • saw a man with a funny t-shirt. I approached him and gave him a compliment that the t-shirt is funny and it made my day. He laughed, I laughed and left with a warm feeling on my heart. 5/10

  • complimented the look of the waitress in the restaurant, specifically how well her entire outfit matches together. She lit up and thanked me. It was scary, but it was the truth, so I just said what was on my mind. It’s much less scary once it’s over. Feels awesome! 7/10

  • did my running workout, ran up the stairs and controlled my breath. With controlled breath I can do so much more. 4/10”


If you want to maximize the effect, here’s a bonus: Your subconscious is the most active just before and after sleep. So to boost the effect even more, journal these things before going to sleep and review them a few minutes after you wake up.


Every.

Single.

Day.


For the rest of your life.