Updated: May 20, 2020
Pick Up Artists and their Pick Up Lines are dead. Discover The Integrated Man Movement!
"Being a male is a matter of birth. Being a man is a matter of choice." — Edwin Louis Cole
Years ago, there was a point in my life, when I became fascinated by pick-up artists (PUA).
Those guys seemed to have finally figured women out!
I read The Game by Neil Strauss and I devoured the whole book in one breath. PUAs seemed to know perfectly what to say, when to say it and how to say it.
They seemed to have lots of beautiful women and sex. The book made perfect sense! As a Nice Guy with low self-esteem and self-confidence, this book became my new hope for a way out of my frustrations.
You cannot win the relationship game as a Pick-Up Artist
Even though my excitement from reading The Game was intense, there was a little voice in my head telling me that something is wrong.
I was afraid.
The book offered a perfect manual on how to pick-up girls because it "figured them out".
That was scary to me.
Can someone figure me out in a similar manner and just take me anywhere they want?
Is it a real connection, when I just follow a step-by-step process for "doing it right"?
How is this different from manipulation?
Furthermore, mastering the process by learning how to use the right phrases and sentences at the right time made me feel somewhat inhuman. I tried some techniques from the book a few times, and I decided not to continue with it anymore.
I felt intuitively, what I have discovered intellectually later:
The way "pick-up artists" approach women and human interaction is dysfunctional. In fact, it is an extreme expression of the Nice Guy Syndrome.
Typical Pick-Up Artist is a Nice Guy full of insecurities
Nice Guys are men with low self-esteem and self-confidence, who believe they must be nice in order to live a safe & problem-free life. They have a lot of repressed toxic shame and they are not that nice under the surface. Being nice is a facade that they put on so they can avoid tension and get others' approval. They believe, there is always the "right way" of doing things so that others do not get upset. I wrote a full article about Nice Guy Syndrome, you can access here.
Even when seducing a woman, the Nice Guy wants to "do everything right".
PUAs believe they have broken down the psychology of seduction into individual steps. They have lists of phrases to say and things to do in each step. Then, when a PUA says the right things at the right time, he believes, he did it right and "won" the girl over.
For that to happen, though, he has to cut his true emotions and thoughts, be in his head, and hide his true agenda with the girl. Being dishonest, having hidden intentions right from the beginning and trying to do everything "right" makes him a perfect Nice Guy.
PUAs do not solve the root cause of their confidence and self-esteem issues
The reason why Nice Guys struggle with women and confidence is a set of beliefs and behavioral patterns that prevent them from being truly authentic and creating genuine connections with other people.
Genuine connection with others is based on authenticity, vulnerability, and honest, respectful sharing.
PUAs use lines and techniques to make the girl feel the way they want. Anytime they get a positive response, they confirm to themselves internally, that their techniques worked. They can even make themselves believe that they had a real connection with the girl.
However, this only causes further alienation from their real selves as deep inside they know they are not communicating their true thoughts, feelings, and reality. They know they have used techniques and hid their true intentions.
Using techniques and pick-up lines always comes at the cost of suppressing your real self.
There is a reason why guys in The Game [spoiler alert] end up being frustrated, depressed, and some even suicidal. Neil Strauss, the author of the book himself, had to go through sex rehab in order to overcome sex addiction, depression and put himself back together after his experience with pick-up artistry.
What is a healthy alternative then?