Updated: May 20, 2020
Pick Up Artists and their Pick Up Lines are dead. Discover The Integrated Man Movement!
"Being a male is a matter of birth. Being a man is a matter of choice." — Edwin Louis Cole
Years ago, there was a point in my life, when I became fascinated by pick-up artists (PUA).
Those guys seemed to have finally figured women out!
I read The Game by Neil Strauss and I devoured the whole book in one breath. PUAs seemed to know perfectly what to say, when to say it and how to say it.
They seemed to have lots of beautiful women and sex. The book made perfect sense! As a Nice Guy with low self-esteem and self-confidence, this book became my new hope for a way out of my frustrations.
You cannot win the relationship game as a Pick-Up Artist
Even though my excitement from reading The Game was intense, there was a little voice in my head telling me that something is wrong.
I was afraid.
The book offered a perfect manual on how to pick-up girls because it "figured them out".
That was scary to me.
Can someone figure me out in a similar manner and just take me anywhere they want?
Is it a real connection, when I just follow a step-by-step process for "doing it right"?
How is this different from manipulation?
Furthermore, mastering the process by learning how to use the right phrases and sentences at the right time made me feel somewhat inhuman. I tried some techniques from the book a few times, and I decided not to continue with it anymore.
I felt intuitively, what I have discovered intellectually later:
The way "pick-up artists" approach women and human interaction is dysfunctional. In fact, it is an extreme expression of the Nice Guy Syndrome.
Typical Pick-Up Artist is a Nice Guy full of insecurities
Nice Guys are men with low self-esteem and self-confidence, who believe they must be nice in order to live a safe & problem-free life. They have a lot of repressed toxic shame and they are not that nice under the surface. Being nice is a facade that they put on so they can avoid tension and get others' approval. They believe, there is always the "right way" of doing things so that others do not get upset. I wrote a full article about Nice Guy Syndrome, you can access here.
Even when seducing a woman, the Nice Guy wants to "do everything right".
PUAs believe they have broken down the psychology of seduction into individual steps. They have lists of phrases to say and things to do in each step. Then, when a PUA says the right things at the right time, he believes, he did it right and "won" the girl over.
For that to happen, though, he has to cut his true emotions and thoughts, be in his head, and hide his true agenda with the girl. Being dishonest, having hidden intentions right from the beginning and trying to do everything "right" makes him a perfect Nice Guy.
PUAs do not solve the root cause of their confidence and self-esteem issues
The reason why Nice Guys struggle with women and confidence is a set of beliefs and behavioral patterns that prevent them from being truly authentic and creating genuine connections with other people.
Genuine connection with others is based on authenticity, vulnerability, and honest, respectful sharing.
PUAs use lines and techniques to make the girl feel the way they want. Anytime they get a positive response, they confirm to themselves internally, that their techniques worked. They can even make themselves believe that they had a real connection with the girl.
However, this only causes further alienation from their real selves as deep inside they know they are not communicating their true thoughts, feelings, and reality. They know they have used techniques and hid their true intentions.
Using techniques and pick-up lines always comes at the cost of suppressing your real self.
There is a reason why guys in The Game [spoiler alert] end up being frustrated, depressed, and some even suicidal. Neil Strauss, the author of the book himself, had to go through sex rehab in order to overcome sex addiction, depression and put himself back together after his experience with pick-up artistry.
What is a healthy alternative then?
Easier said than done.
Becoming real takes time, dedication and commitment.
So how does a man become more real?
The new objective of a healthy masculine: The Integrated Man
Pick-Up Artist's growth as a man is limited.
His inability to truly connect with a woman combined with frustration from constant hiding of his true self will eventually push him to the next stages of masculinity growth.
The seduction community as a whole went through these stages.
The first stage, the PUA community, emerged around the book - The Game. Guys mastered techniques and pick-up lines and manipulation to unprecedented levels. After some time though, many have discovered that the important part of the game is not played in communication and words, but in their minds and their inner worlds. The next stage of masculinity development emerged.
The second stage of seduction school centered on the Inner Game. Inner Game is about mastering the mind and inner voice of a man while talking to a woman so he can seduce the woman he wants. Many pick-up lines were still included, but this time the growth was more focused on the internal and mental work, rather than constant improving of the lines and techniques. Emotions also became part of the focus. With time, some of the guys noticed that once they started to get growth in their Inner Game, they felt improvements in other parts of their lives too, including business and sports. Some of them, for the first time in their lives, experienced the feeling of having enough sex but still lacked the deeper connection and deeper meaning behind it all. They wanted more genuine connection, to be real with others, and simply to strive towards becoming the best men they can possibly be and...
...a new, third stage of masculine growth appeared: becoming The Integrated Man. For these guys, chasing sex stopped being the primary driver of their growth. Their next level of growth became their authentic masculinity flowing into relationships with both men and women, finding and following their passion, and becoming the best version of themselves. They started to integrate parts of themselves they suppressed a long time ago so that they can be more authentic and genuine.
The Integrated Man does not avoid emotional tension but seeks it
He lives at his edge and thrives at it. He lives in abundance because of his constantly growing ability to handle tension. He is a source of abundance for others as well as its recipient from the world. He has fully embraced his dark side and he is not ashamed or apologetic about it. He is aware of the dark aspects of his personality and he is in charge of it. He has developed his feminine side, being in touch with his feelings. He is authentic in his emotional expression. He has fully embraced his sexuality and he uses it for the benefit of himself and others. He took full responsibility for his life.
The Integrated Man focuses on becoming the best version of himself as a man and that creates for him a sense of fulfillment, inner joy, and radiance of masculine penetrating love. Confidence, sex, and money are the side effects of his growth, not the causes.
I do not judge pick-up artists. I believe that everyone, at any moment, is doing the best they can. Many guys I know, who now benefit from The Integrated Men Movement, started their journey as pick-up artists. Despite doing their best in solving their Nice Guy Syndrome, they struggled because PUA work was addressing symptoms instead of the root cause of their problem.
I believe, the reason why most people decide to join a PUA community is that they want to get results immediately. The truth is, they can get some results very quickly, but after time they realize they lack authenticity and meaning. So they naturally progress towards Inner Game and The Integrated Man.
PUA schools deserve credit for making the topic of seduction mainstream and opening the topic of masculine development for a wider community of men. The Game community eventually gave birth to the Integrated Man movement.
There are many options of what you can do if you want to commit and take consistent action towards becoming The Integrated Man — facing your fears, accepting a challenge, following your intuition, joining a Men’s Group in your city, reading a book by Dr. Glover — No More Mr. Nice Guy...
However, if you want to start right now, this article includes a simple exercise that had changed my life. It can take no more than 5 minutes a day and yield massive results for you.
Download free e-books on How To Heal Your Inner Nice Guy and The Integrated Man: Authentic Masculinity checklist.
If you want to join a challenge to grow your Authentic Masculinity, join my Integrated Men’s Group on Facebook. To get more exclusive content, join my e-mail list! For more articles, videos, and a podcast, check out my website or a youtube channel.