Updated: May 20, 2020
I decided to change approach to my envy and jealousy and I became a better man.
Months ago, my friend shared his new business successes with me. Even though he was very excited, I found it difficult to share his excitement.
As he talked, I could feel the fake smile coming up on my face and a subtle resistance grew in my body as a reaction to his message.
I was not with him fully anymore. I was in my head. I realized I was envious.
“That’s supposed to be me, dammit!”
I could hear a voice inside of my head yelling. I kept half-listening until he finished and then I said I’m happy for him.
You’re not happy-for-him at all!
But I just wanted to be nice to him! My frustration and shame started to get overwhelming and I could feel how I’m slowly moving towards apathy.
I felt frustrated. I was completely out of integrity.
The Nice Guy within me took over. No matter how miserable on the inside, he always did his best to appear happy on the outside.
But I also knew, that during the last 15 years, this behavior got me nowhere. I decided to take my integrity back and share my honest truth.
Honesty leads to vulnerability and therefore requires courage
I knew what needed to be done.
“Dude, there is something I want to share with you.”
And I told him.
“This is extremely uncomfortable to share, but it’s the truth and I respect you so I’ll share it with you. I want you to know it’s not personal, it’s all my stuff. As you talked about your success, I realized I envy you.
I feel pride about my current skills and, as uncomfortable as it is to admit, on some level I believe that I’m better than you.
Because of that I feel a deep frustration because despite being better, I am not having better results than you do.
I also feel some anger at you or maybe even the world because it feels unfair and it feels as if you are taking something away from me.
Right now now I feel humiliated for admitting and saying all this out loud.”
After I finished, there was a long pause.
Man, I felt terrible!
I would dig myself a hole right there and jump straight in it to disappear!
“Thanks for sharing and stepping into vulnerability, brother. Just allow yourself to feel whatever comes up, it’s okay,”
He understood that my envy about him has nothing to do with him — it was all my own insecurities, projected at him.
He also knew that it was not my choice to feel all that.
That’s why he accepted me fully and created a safe space for me to feel it all.
With that, I could release the burden of keeping it just for myself and being ashamed of it.
After a while, I felt relieved, released, and rock-like determined.
It was not the first time it happened. I knew it was a repeated pattern. But that day was the first time I shared it.
I decided to change something.